I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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