I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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