my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
