She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i came on her dog
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
