Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
