I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
