Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The struggles of a small town man whore
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
