Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
