Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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