i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
