I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
