It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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