FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
