I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
