one two three fourrrrnication!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
