Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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