R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
