I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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