I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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