My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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