is your mom at the bar?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
