The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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