I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
