She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
