i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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