If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
