please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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