There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
