I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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