apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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