I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
