Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
