dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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