So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
