I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
