what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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