So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
