oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
