i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
