I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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