Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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