My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
