I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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