Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
