k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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