call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
