dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
