Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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