Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
