i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
